Darwin stole my girlfriend
And I don't think I'll ever survive...

She's underweight and impressionable
And she's been taken by some new guy
He's obsequious and uncaring
And really quite detestable

Darwin stole my girlfriend
And I don't think I'll ever survive...

He treats me like I had fins for feet
Like some strange ugly beast hanging 'round
And she's no more than a piece of meat
If he were a horse I'd have him put down

Darwin stole my girlfriend
And I don't think I'll ever survive...

This is the kind of thing
I always expected
And now everything
Depends upon this natural selection?!

Darwin stole my girlfriend
And I don't think I'll ever survive...

He's better than me in every way
And far more adapted for love
He's got a heart the size of a Chevrolet
So now she's calling him "turtle-dove"

Darwin stole my girlfriend
And I don't think I'll ever survive

He's primitive, and his jokes offend
But my girl he's going to wive!